Training Pains

Sometimes the days when I am at my very worst are the days I feel closest to the Lord. Today I felt like I kept getting knocked down, but the beauty of it was that I also felt like someone kept standing me back up. I am exhausted, the kind of exhausted where you wake up in the morning with your daily headache. But honestly, being tired isn't so bad. There is something satisfying about being tired from busyness. It's kinda like the acceptable price for productivity. Today was just a different animal altogether.

I was up early this morning because my brother and I share a car and he had to clock-in at 0700. I am not, and probably never will be, a morning person, so this was a heavy hit (though not really a knock down punch) to start the day. From there, things deteriorated so quickly that by 1100 I realized that it was just gonna be one of those days. 

I don't say all this to lament the day itself (that's what my journal is for), but rather to tell a little bit about how amazing our God is. With each successive down turn He met me with a scripture and a little bit more energy to get back up again. He never just gave me a huge energy jump to power through the day, but he was there each time I got hit to lift me up again and set me straight. He provided me with just enough will-power and stamina to stand up one more time; that is an amazing God. 

I suppose my praise is two-fold this evening, well perhaps three-fold (the day is at an end). The first and most amazing praise is that I have God and savior who cares to stand so close beside me that He is right there to pick me up. That thought really is astounding! The second thing is that He still allowed me get knocked down. He didn't block or soften the blows, but He let me take them and learn from my mistakes. 

I think of a master swordsman training a page. The master doesn't go easy when he is teaching the page to use a sword, rather he uses a wooden (non-lethal) weapon and hits hard so the page will develop good technique and quick responses. Throughout time pain has been on of the most effective tools a teacher can use. This is evident in everything from parenting to warfare; people tend to not repeat painful errors.

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." - James 1:2-4

This verse was difficult for me for a long time, and will most likely remain difficult for the rest of my life. However, I think my King gave me a glimpse into its meaning today. He is not saying to rejoice because something hurts, he is saying to rejoice that the King has seen fit to stand by your side and train you. Training is painful, but it speaks of trust from one's authorities. Officers/Kings don't train men they don't intend to use. It is upon this thought and truth that I stand when my days become their very hardest. I cling to the fact that pain means He will eventually think me qualified for a mission in His battle-plan.

I want to be His warrior. So I stand firmly in Christ's blood as my own mixes with His on the floor. He gave His life so I could fight from His corner, and He continues to lift me back up. Why on earth would I want to stop swinging?

Hmmm...

The boundless beauty of a relationship with Jesus Christ is something that is incomprehensible to us temporal creatures. We do, however, recognize that it is beautiful; we are simply unable to conceptually cope with it. The timeless and eternal sacrifice of the innocent, almighty God spans the entirety of the universe's existence and subsequently renders eternal justification accessible to humanity. The beauty therefore is not lost upon us, the creation, it is tragically underappreciated.

My Time

I think the passage of time has always amazed me. I love being busy so I generally don't think of the passage of time. I think of the progress of whatever I'm working on, then when I do look back on the hours and days I wonder where they have all gone.

Idleness has never been appealing to me. I dislike days upon which I look back upon only to realize that I have done nothing useful. They don't happen very often but when they do it only serves to motivate me to not let it happen again. Because of this, I tend to live my life in a bubble. Not a quiet peaceful bubble, but a bubble filled with a veritable storm of events, tasks, and accomplishment.

My bubble usually doesn't include a clock. Well, it does include one, but it is only so I can better achieve what needs to be done. It usually has absolutely no connection to the actual passing of time. I forget that working until 3pm, starting Bible study prep at 3:30, and finishing Bible study at 9 means the whole day has passed. Oh, I know the day is over and that it's time to sleep, but it doesn't register that it has passed.

I am a very present-minded man. I generally don't dwell on the past, and I almost never worry about the future. My bubble is almost always 100% in the present. The effect of this is, when I choose to step out of my bubble for a moment, I am astounded that a week, month, semester, or year has suddenly passed me by. It's not that I am unsatisfied with what has been done in that time, I am just shocked that the time is all used up.

I love this place the Lord has me right now. I looked outside my bubble today to realize not only is my summer almost gone but so is my college career. This is amazing and exciting. I am so excited to see where my Guide will take me next; to see what adventures are ahead of us.

However, there are things to be done today. I have tasks that must be finished well, trusts to be filled faithfully. Time is precious, and every little bit we are given is to be used well -- to the glory of the Giver.

Worship

It's is amazing how easy it is to get lost in tasks; an hour at work here, two hours doing homework there. Some days go by so quickly it's hard to think back and remember everything that was accomplished. The day is so filled with things to do that there is quite literally no time to stop and review what has been done. There is only the next task. I think that this mentality (or rather lifestyle) is sin.

So often I look back on a busy day, nod to myself and think that I have successfully stewarded all my hours to their best possible use. I fill every hour of my waking life with personal projects, work, study (both academic and Biblical), intentional social time (Bible study breakfasts, roommate events, church, conversation with distant friends and family), getting through another book, etc. I so plan every day that I don't have to guess at what is next, it is always there waiting to be accomplished. I so compartmentalize myself that I end up imprisoned. I claim freedom from sin nature only to (very carefully) enslave myself to sin scheduling.

Christ's blood gives me freedom from sin and He claims the right to be the only god in my life. I accept his gift and then cast it back in His face by exalting my daily to-do list over Him. I relegate Him to bullet points.
- Quiet Time
- Meet with _____ for discipleship
- Go to church
- Teach Bible study
- Personal Bible study time
- Memorize _____
I diminish His value to 10-20 well-intentioned tasks per week. Most of the time I think I am being a pretty solid follower of Christ and an active member in His body, but I still jam-pack my life full of things to do -- things I can't even remember after 10-12 hours.

So I ask myself, "Am I presenting my body [my whole being including what I do, how I think, the means by which I organize my day] as a living and holy sacrifice? Does using every minute of my day constitute a spiritual service of worship?" It sure doesn't feel like it.

Perhaps the problem is the busyness, heaven knows that makes it harder to keep my purpose in perspective. But perhaps it is simple to motive of my heart. Have I so filled my day with tasks that I didn't leave time to remember why I do all of these things in the first place? Perhaps so. I really do love having a purpose when I get out of bed in the morning. I think God gave mankind a love for sizing up a task, breaking it down, and tackling it, but originally there was no confusion on why the task was to be done. The tasks where directly assigned by Almighty God so the satisfaction in accomplishing them was a direct result of obedience to God.

Today I think I have to be reminded why there is satisfaction in a task well done. It is not because I personally accomplished something worthily, it is because I have accomplished a task (be it my employment, school work, or Bible study lesson) that innately brings my King glory because I am His son. The task might not have anything directly to do with my ministry, my personal faith, or my study of His Word; it brings Him joy and glory because it is a gift to Him.

It is similar to the way a parent must feel when a young child (2-4 years old) wants to help clean the house. He gets the broom out and goes through sweeping the floor, the effort is of course useless and really only succeeds in redistributing the mess but it's intention was to show love for the parent and ultimately respect for the parent's authority. The task itself is laughably inane but the heart behind the action is not only deeply touching but critically important.

If that same child did this chore and when thanked by his parent shrugged and said that it was only to stay busy. The parent would most likely smile and hope that, at least, the child is learning good habits for when he grows up. If the pattern continued, eventually the parent would get annoyed at having to re-sweep and wonder at the child's lack of heart behind the action (because children are so very often sincere in their devotion and actions). But am I not not like that child who falls into his routine of uselessly sweeping the floor  and forgetting that the only value in that action is to show my love, and ultimately my respect for the Father who adopted me from the gutter. By not pausing in my day to run over and hug His knee and tell Him, "Look Daddy! I stacked the books for you today! I love you so much," am I not wasting the very time I try so hard to "steward" well?

In perspective of eternity most of what I plan my days to accomplish is little more than rearranging the mess on the floor. However, if I rearrange that mess 100% to show my Heavenly Father that I love Him and that I want to help, those useless tasks become infinitely eternally significant.

My purpose here is not to do my job well, be involved in the church, or even to lead other guys to Christ. Ultimately God can do all of those things better without me. My purpose here is worship my Father with every minute of everything that I am. My purpose is to try make every one of my tasks about Him.

The moment that minute-by-minute worship is a reality in my life is the moment that I am fulfilling my purpose, and I will then, therefore, be ready to learn how to sweep properly.

Refining Fire

I think the Lord has me in the classroom once again. This is always both exhilarating and terrifying. It is exhilarating because I deeply want to be shaped into the image of the most high God. It is terrifying because God usually has to use refining fire to burn away more for who I am and that is always painful.

My college career has by no means been exemplary. It has been fraught with failure, pain, and humiliation. I have been cursed with the blessing of being humbled early in my life. The Lord has apparently decided that I cannot be slowly molded and shaped into his image. I feel like he decided to make me a bronze something or other out of me. He melted me all the way down all at once, and now I feel like the heat is finally diminishing and I am being allowed to cool and solidify in His image. His refining fire has charred me some (and still continues to do so) but nothing that the Master Artisan's hand cannot polish out.

The process of being cast has been more difficult than I can possibly put into words. Everything I was before I was melted down into a pile of mush and stirred and even scraped. He took all of the raw material that I was and completely destroyed the shape that formerly represented those materials. He then refined and tempered the metal before pouring it into a completely new and beautiful mold. He took what little was usable from my own scanty work and reforged it with Himself as the prime ingredient of the new metal. He also carefully designed and shaped the molding that I would cool in. The shape will ultimately be His Son's face imperfect because of the metal mixed with His heavenly steel but beautiful in it's representation of Christ. One of these days (probably many years down the line) He will step back from the solid, well polished piece he has created and find satisfaction in his own work by calling me His "good and faithful servant."

The most amazing part of the whole situation is that I am His workmanship. I don't have to come up with grand designs for what I should look like, He already has that figured out. I merely have cope with fire and polishing and revel in seeing his masterpiece revealed day-by-day. I am so very weak and unimaginative that the casting I do is boring and pathetic. However, I am blessed to be in the hands of the Master of all master artisans. I know that whatever He chooses to work into his representation of His Son will only make the end product that much more beautiful (regardless of the pain in the midst of the work). I think I begin to understand Paul's joy in suffering and tribulation. He knew that each pain and trail brought a new sheen of clarity to the workmanship of God, and that was cause for joy.

Fires and polishing are hard to bear, but I know that my God is shaping a masterpiece that will shine with His glory and I am so blessed to be a part of that process.

Fighting for Life

Clang!
Crack!
Thud!

The sounds of battle often animate my perspective of spiritual warfare. I see massive armies clashing in the midst of a blood-stained field, fatigued and flagging as the fight wears on. I picture fierce angels and sentinels of God meeting wave after wave of the terrifying army of evil. I smell the rank coppery stench of spilt blood and feel the moist ground give a little with soggy wetness. I hear the roar of a pitched battle, engaged with both automatic weapons and broad-swords, coupled with cringing ring of crows and vultures waiting to feast on the dead. I feel the pang of friends, comrades, and brothers struck down and lost under the enemies sword.

However, all of this imagery is not from the Lord, it is a lie carefully constructed by the enemy. It gives the impression that there is an honorable factor to spiritual warfare - that is false. There is not honor to be won by engaging the enemy or by trying to intentionally enter that battle. That is not the role we have been assigned, and we will fall under the enemy's weapons if we deviate or even exceed our orders. God, as any master strategist, knows his troops better than they know themselves, and he has placed them where they will have the most effect with the fewest casualties.

Our role very rarely puts us on the front line, and if we find ourselves there we have only one order; stand firm! Stand firm because our General has given us the equipment to do so. He was not given us weapons of advance (spears, javelins, bows, or pikes), but he has given us weapons for holding fast with both offensive and defensive equipment (a sword and shield). Our Commander has not sent us on to the battle field unarmed, rather he has sent us onto the battle field to hold fast until Jesus comes to vanquish.

The nature of our assignment is a watchmen's role, we are called to be vigilant and stand firm. This make the nature of the battle in which we actually engage very different from the pitched battle described earlier. The battle we fight is one of counter-sabotage and sneak-attacks. Ephesians 6 describes Satan's attacks as "flaming missiles" or more commonly called "fire arrows." In ancient times fire arrows were not used to attack individuals or even to cause bodily harm (many did not even have points); they were used to set fires in the enemy's camp and route the enemy via fear rather than force. Satan does not have the equipment to harm a saint's soul, but one should never underestimate him. He may not be able to penetrate your helmet of salvation, or pierce the righteousness of God that guards your chest, but he can and will cause fear and doubt. These are some of his most powerful weapons. Doubt is what caused Eve to fall and fear is what hindered the Israelites over and over again. Satan is a master at working around God's armor, don't give him the opportunity. If your shield is raised and your sword  is en garde then Satan will not have the opportunity to get in close and go around God's armor. Practically speaking this means to live in faith and keep scripture at hand (either literally carry your bible with you, or memorize large sections of scripture). These are our weapons and that is our defense.

We have been given a place in this battle and it imperative that we follow our orders.